sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insult to injury. Haven't updated in quite some time. Tonight I am feeling a tad depressed. My husband will get the results of his sperm test on Thursday. I have mixed feelings - I want to know what's going on and at the same time I don't. I see it as three things that can happen: 1. He has no sperm. 2. He has sperm, enough to do an IUI or 3. He has more sperm, however not enough to do an IUI. The whole no sperm thing worries me because then it's off to donor sperm. In this, I completely worry about going through the whole choosing thing. I WILL do it if I must, but it bothers me. I guess if we want a child that is at least half of us, this is the way to go. I think things will get better with time if I must do that. Maybe it'll be easier than I think. Or perhaps God will listen to our prayers and let us conceive naturally. I also am trying to lose weight because I just feel gross lately. Unattractive, self-loathing. My life is starting to feel hopeless again. I'm tired of always being broke - paying off bills and planning on everything. I know - and then wanting to bring a child into all this. But I feel hopeless and bleak lately ... get the feeling like I never get the things I truly want. I am happy with what I have ... but so very TIRED of being on hold with the baby thing. It's hard not to hold it against hubby ... I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking ... and seemingly running faster and faster. It's hard to lie to people when they ask why we haven't had kids yet. I am just so...tired of this all. So an answer is what I do want ... but scared of my own reaction if it's bad. At least I'll know. In other news, I feel very strange lately. Something is off. I don't know if I'm getting sick or going into depression. I don't feel myself at all - I also wonder if my meds is doing this to me. I really don't feel like the ol' me who could deal and cope with a lot of things. Anymore I am very angry about the littlest things. I think subconsciously this whole worry is taking over? I don't know. Just feel ... upset and what is worse is I have to hide this feeling from absolutely everyone. No one knows how I really feel. I can't talk to anyone about it, and if I try I just don't think they understand - and how could they? The only person who could understand is someone who has gone through it - and that's no one I know. So I'll try to be positive and learn to cope better. I just don't know how much heartache I can take, this on going roller-coaster. Maybe a part of me hopes there will be no sperm, at least then I can get a donor and get on with it .... Ugh. And what is worst ... is I think I am ovulating this morning. Insult to injury. 9:39 p.m. - 2009-09-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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