sourgurl77's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's not. I just got off all those vitamins I was on. Vitex and this other pill - both were supposed to help my hormones. But they didn't really do anything but give me headaches/hot flashes. So I got off of them and just feel ... better? Or odd. I'm feeling okay lately. Though feel like depression is creeping up on me all the time. At least hubby's sperm IS coming back ... hopefully? All the numbers, except the count were up. So I guess...that's good. I mean not enough to get me pregnant, but it's a start. Right now, I'm not even TRYING. I just need a break. Hubby wants to have sex every other day in my "fertile" period. Which is ..ah...well Friday I'm on day 14 - so around then. Hell I don't even KNOW if I ovulate! I really don't. I mean I could .. but who the fuck knows anymore. Right now I'm just ... living. I'm trying to lose weight .. and be healthy. I've lost 15 pounds somehow, since April. I think it's my increased dose of Metformin. I went from 1,000mg a day, to now 2,000mg a day. My doctor says I do indeed have PCOS. So maybe the increased dose IS helping me as I've read that people with PCOS have insulin problems. I don't have diabetes, but maybe my insulin has been fucked up? I know Metformin helps with PCOS symptoms. I don't notice that much. I don't have acne. I also am not hairy. I'm unsure what extent of pcos that I have other than overweight and irregular periods/no ovulation or sometimes ovulate. I tried to recall ... before .. when I was younger. I know my periods used to go okay sometimes. I'd get them crazy time - long cycles. Does that mean I ovulated? Who knows. One thing I do know is that I really don't get all those symptoms that the books tell you ... the EWCM and all that shit. Maybe it's just my body. I'm so tired of it ALL that until December I am DONE with obsessing. I just want to live. I really can't do SHIT anyway because his count is so fucking low. It's like trying to catch a fish in a pond with only 3 fish, maybe it'll bite, but probably not. It's depressing to think about and no one understands. People with kids seem to think that if I only relaxed ... the thing is ... it's not with me that the issue lies (well part of it) ... we definitely need fertility treatments, however we can't until his sperm count is up. It's a catch-22. Then after this, it's going to be fun doing IUI's ... as who knows how many of those we'll need to get pregnant ... and then if that doesn't work, we'll have to scrap together money for ivf. It's such a cluster fuck, that I PRAY TO GOD that it just happens. Which is why I'm really trying to lose weight. I really want to get down to my pre surgery weight, when my body was trying to go straight. To be there, I have to lose 20 pounds. I've lost 15 so far. I'll keep going ... such a long road that i have. I just hate knowing, that nothing is a promise. I could do everything and still not get pregnant. I won't adopt either. If we're childless, then I want to move somewhere away from everyone so I won't have to babysit for my sister or have people ask me stupid questions. I really hate to think of life without kids ... it's what we BOTH want. It's the type of think that really puts you into a tailspin and really makes me want to sob. I know so many women/men have this issue. It's horrible. I can't even think about it, everyone says it'll happen. But it's not.
10:43 p.m. - 2009-10-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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